She saw him and watched him. She liked his smile, there was
something about him. He was surrounded by others, indifferent to the world. She
felt invisible at first. How would she get his attention? She wasn’t going to
stick around to catch a glimpse of him. No, she was on holiday. She was going
to have fun.
She kept pouring them down her throat, drink after drink she
began to loosen up. The invisibility cloak she was wearing suddenly came off.
She became the centre of attention. She
stopped caring and started enjoying herself.
Then he saw her. He couldn’t stop staring. There was
something about his eyes, something about the way he looked, himself and at
her. She couldn’t stop gazing at him. She had to get all of her courage
together first before inviting him to come closer. And he came.
He came with huge a smile on his face. When he was close
enough, she put her arms around him and started kissing him. No words were
necessary. It happened so naturally, so beautifully. They danced and kissed late
into the night.
In the cab, when she didn’t get off at her stop, he was
surprised. She was surprised for him to be so surprised but she liked him then
and there. She felt there was more to him than the id.
He was embarrassed to be living far, embarrassed for the
state of his place. He was shy around her, didn’t know how to approach her. And
she had a realisation when she saw his face in the light for the first time– he
was a lot younger than her. When he left the room briefly, she found his wallet
and confirmed her suspicions. She felt conflicted. Everything was hazy. She
wanted to leave.
He gave her a crystal. He said it was something out of him
to her, something pure, and something that would protect her. She still wanted
to leave. This wasn’t what she expected. She was on holiday. All she wanted was
a good time. His feelings scared her. She was scared of what could happen. She
asked for a cab.
He was upset. He called a cab. While they waited in the
dark, he lit one up and smoked himself to calmness. Then he let it go. He told
her everything: of himself and what he wanted. He wasn’t an immature young boy
as she made him out to be. He had been through things enough to know how he
felt. He wanted her by his side, it didn’t matter why, how or for how long. He
wanted her, pure and simple. The cab arrived but she couldn’t leave. She saw
something in him that she knew all along was there. That’s why she was scared
but she couldn’t help herself. It was the same trait that was so attractive.
It was intense. It was all so intense. He treated her like a
princess. She hadn’t felt this loved in such a long time. She let herself go in
his arms and relished his touch.
When the toxins slowly started leaving her body, she cringed
and quickly reached for her layers. She had to leave before the light of dawn
could lighten his place. She couldn’t bear to face the naked truth. And so she
left.
He wanted to see her again the next day but she couldn’t give
an answer. She wasn’t herself when she wrote back. She was anxious and
paranoid. She trembled and couldn’t focus. Her fingers felt numb, her mouth
felt misshapen. She was terrified of losing control. He calmed her, helped her
get through it with his soothing words and relaxing music. Her mind was
stronger. She listened to the music he sent and she felt the beauty inside her.
She calmed down and let herself enjoy the music in the dark.
He wouldn’t give up, not for something special. He wanted to
see her again. She struggled to let her guard down. She was realistic and
practical. What difference would it all make? He didn’t care. He longed for her
face. She kept turning him down until she couldn’t anymore. She had to see him
too.
She went to the meeting location early. She was nervous. All
she remembered about him was a blur. She had to be the same self when she met
him, so she downed the drinks. With every drink, the more confident she became.
People noticed her. Everyone wanted a piece of her. She liked the attention.
Then he came. He was the same blur, exactly the way she
remembered. How and when didn’t matter. The world was turning. She was far too inebriated
this time. He held her. Helped her get through it again. He was reliable. She
craved for food. That slice of pizza, that slice that was so urgent, tasted
like sunshine. She’s never had anything like it. She loved it. And he loved her
for it.
Then music happened. She didn’t know he could play the
piano. When they played and sang into the night, she was mesmerised. She wanted
a piece of him. She lost herself into the music and into him. She wanted him.
He made her cry. She hadn’t cried in such a long time. She
had never felt like this with someone she knew so little about. The emotions
were too much. She couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t either. His heart hurt. “Te
amo”, he said, “It’s not infatuation, I know.”
He hugged her and kissed her and struggled to let go of her
when the time came. She was about to leave and he grabbed her arm, pulled her
to himself and kissed and hugged her again. That last kiss was his everything.
He gave his all but it was too much for her to take. She knew what it all
meant, how he felt and how it made her feel but her guard stopped her from
savouring it too deeply. She was scared of this all along, of how he would feel
and how he would make her feel. And she left but he never left her. He would
keep her close to his heart. Never admitting to it, so would she.
Standing in the airport in London, it almost felt like she
never left home. She’d been dreaming this very long and amazing vacation and
now the time had run out, the alarm clock woke her up, preparing her to the
daily life. Yet there still was that lingering sadness of leaving beauty
behind. She listened to his music on her way home and played with the crystal.
She had to write down their story. She owed him that much for reminding her
that she can feel again.
Everything would have been love. Ahh…that was it. The truth
at last. All good things must come to an end, she thought, until next time.
Beril 11/3/15
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