Flat Haunting

Sitting in a leather couch in Camden
Watching mommy read a magazine
Awkward music, hippy customers
I don’t believe in fortunetellers.

She said it’ll come
Where is my present?
She said you’ll find
Where is my agreement?

Can’t believe I lose many moments
By waiting around; I’m fooling around!
Can’t bear it, I want to live fast-forward
Or else, I just won’t be content!

Oh my, oh my, I’m so stressed,
Oh my, I hope I won’t drop dead!

Non-barking medium cutie causes me pain
It’s been worse than being an alien
I make an offer, I pay more
But it won’t be accepted of course
Wanting the best I search for more
Getting the least, I look at three phones
Having French, British and Turkish tones
For sure, again no ringing, no news.

I used to ignore my emotions daily
It was so easy mainly when I was busy
But hanging around made me listen to the silence
The thought reappeared; it’s hard for it to vanish.

Oh my, oh my, I’m so stressed,
Oh my, I hope I won’t drop dead!

It started as a random encounter in the dark
Then it spread, started patting my flesh
Like an abyss, getting deep and intense
It touched my core, filled me with ardor,
Now hard to cut it out as it became profound.

I liked it, oh, I liked it
But I can’t tell, I’m so shy
I miss it, oh, I miss it
But I can’t tell, I’m so fragile.

No answer, no rumor, no clue
It left me alone, out of the blue
It takes time to get it over with
Like a sentence, like a poem, like a life
It takes time to put it all together.

Oh my, oh my, I’m so stressed,
Oh my, I hope I won’t drop dead!

Beril
09/17-20/09

Thought of him

I thought of him today
Just like yesterday and tomorrow
What an endless, gruesome crusade
That I have in me,
What a sorrow.

Is it only me who wonders
Why I can’t stop the chain of thoughts?
Is it only me who questions
Why I'm bored when I dream forever?
Is it only me who inquires
Why I refuse his significance?

“Pretend, you little girl”, I said,
“You know that might be helpful”.
It’s been uttered by antecedent
Recipe to overcome sadness.

Thought of him couldn’t get any better
So sweet nevertheless very bitter
Like a polish wearing off daily
My soul fading away bit by bit,
I am in my little chamber
Oh, a constant wait to fly away!
But I’m caught, I linger
Oh, time won’t take me away!

It’s hard, it’s devastating, it’s cruel
Leaving behind is always painful
I deny and I’ll deny till the last word
Nothing I experience or feel
Will be lasting or special
It’s a dear thing I have tasted
Nothing more? No, nothing more.

I’ll deny till the last moment,
I'll throw out any opponent,
I’ll avoid my heart’s rebellion:
Nothing more? No, nothing more.

Beril
09/10/09

Rahat Ol (Be cool)

Take a deep breath
Relax
No need to accept your faith
Just be – lax

Your aura needs to be cleaned
That’s what’s causing you a migraine
Take a deep breath, relax
You gotta get into a state of trance

Open your chakras
Yes, each one of the seven
As if you’ve smoked charas[i]
It’s the pass to heaven

Accept the positive energy
That’s been gliding towards you
Inhale it, very deeply
Until you can’t think of anything but you

Feel the tranquility
That’s been smiling at your side
Enjoy your spirituality
Twice a day like the tide

Imagine yourself diving
Oh, the water is so cold!
But it is so refreshing
Don’t miss it, behold
The dancing fish in harmony
You have to get rid of your agony!

Take a deep breath again
And just relax
Everything’s gonna be great
You don’t need to be tense
Let it out – the negativity
Reach your soul and sense!
Let it go – the curiosity
You need to listen to your essence!

Beril
09/8/09

[i] A type of hashish mostly used in India. It has a religious meaning for Hindus.

"Free" Time

I lie in his arms
Looking for some piece of mind
The loneliness keeps me awake
I cry for help: oh God!

Both time and gravity,
Whole universe is against me!
No, it doesn’t heal my wounds
I’m stuck, all is lagging!
No, it doesn’t aid me walk
I’m paralyzed, all is daunting!

Left with thousand tasks
That I keep putting off
My mind wanders away
It’s a trial to run off.

The soundtrack of a horror movie
Becomes the tic tacks of the clock
Every instant I’m not following
Gets lost in the dark
Left with no future, no present
I’m always late half past!

I watch sun set and rise
There is no sleep between
Not from nightfall to dawn
Nor the other way around
I keep thinking nonstop
This journey just won’t stop!
I can’t hold it in my hands
As it has no essence
It takes away my energy
Not anymore can I sense.

I run after stolen memories
Blaming “singlohol”[i] or proteins
“It’s not their fault” shouts true-self
You’re sore from within!
Like a pimple ready to burst
I’ve been waiting for that notch
I cry and cry and cry and cry
No single tear in my eyes
Lying in the bed all cursed
I’m offended by the news
I look into “silvered” mirror
See the years? It’s senescence.

Beril
09/2/09

[i] Singlohol: A term found by the poet to explain excess use of alcohol related to single lifestyle. The words “single” and “alcohol” have merged to explain this condition.

Struggle(s)elf

All feelings have vanished
Leaving desires behind
No headgear can control it
It is now out of line.

Drifting alone in the wind,
Trying to hold onto whatever,
I can’t figure out the why.
Questions dancing in my brain
Are eating up the answers I got,
It’s causing pain and no gain,
All is in my stomach and mind.

Butterflies have a way of their own;
Neither their existence nor their worth
Have I realized; no, not what I own.
Tried and trying to find my inner peace
Has always been through their move: “the move”,
Lasting only a few seconds,
Made me feel a little full.

Waiting to be unleashed,
They are hiding subconsciously,
Allowing the freak control me
Yes, I’ve noticed,
I’m afraid too deeply.

Time, oh time,
I’ve always believed in you.
Now all of a sudden
Why do I seek to direct you?
I know you have no limits,
And no such thing as “direction”
Oh, please tell me wise time
What’s the point in struggling with you?

Beril
09/1/09

To Mom

Swinging her golden hair,
Radiating a heavenly perfume,
With a gliding skirt and high heels,
She walks down the street.
Looking through her eyes,
The little girl’s:
I’m so lucky and so pleased
Retaining the most beautiful woman in world
I hope to grow up to be her, she depicts.

I can’t close my eyes, can’t fall asleep,
Not without her good night’s kiss.
I won’t exchange it, not her hug
With no one, not even with his.
She holds me tight,
Whispers angels’ words,
I’m secure and carefree.
And just like in her womb,
Nothing can upset me.

She taught me to love and care
Now it’s time for me to give.
All I can share is what she’s already given me,
Yet I have one specialty that belongs only to me:
I make her proud, by improving me, constantly
And I love her as much as a child could possibly.

Beril
05/5/09

Recipe

Just want to roll on
Come on let’s move on
Still don’t know how to resist
This feeling just persists
The need and the hunger for love
Physically and mentally
Need it every day, regularly
Right now, just can’t satisfy
Behaving just like a baby.

Don’t close your eyes, babe;
It is not safe,
So much has happened,
Still happening,
Not easy to get over it; not yet.
Ah! You need persuasion and patience!
Don’t forget: you need to forget,
Just do not surrender nor let.

Enjoy the short moments that add up,
Like a tea spoon of honey
Mixed in a cup of tea.
It is the perfect measurement,
Plus or minus point one.
If it’s any more or less,
It is a ruined taste.
Just savor it slowly,
Neither to get burnt nor burnt out,
As it’ll calm your cupidity.
Same recipe with any memory.

Beril
05/4/09

Habitual Living

Old habits die hard
Yet dying has no meaning
When the dead resurrects
You keep fooling and
fooling, only yourself, for God’s sakes!

Awake but still drowsy
Travel around clumsy and lousy
Don’t get it that won’t get it
Until it’ll or you’ll hit
Finally when you have a hit
All that’s left is to get it;
Get the only way to live it;
To live it up: Accept it.

Acceptance brings in a new dimension
Takes away the desire for clamation
Habitually, then you’ll be ready
To bear the life: God’s creation
Death and life: matter of natural selection.

Habits are like morphology:
Only affects you, not offspring
Yet you tend to forget a ruling:
Your survival concerns others’,
Yes, habits have devious influences.

Beril
05/4/09

My Type

I knew it
But couldn’t resist.
I knew it
Didn’t want to desist.
It happened
Just like she predicted.
I am now addicted.

Just touch me and hold me tight.
I know I can go through it tonight.
Needy me -not my type,
Can’t do much but just type.
Type a typo, restart,
Mistype, delete, and retype.
Type and type
Until the words seem bright;
It feels right.

Gone astray in intricate feelings
Emotions? They make up the meanings
Physically, I can’t get my bearings
Can’t do much but just type
I know I tend to over-type
Over and over, each poem the same type
Yeah, that’s my style, my type
Never, ever stereotype
Be open and you‘ll thrive
Get used to it: that’s my type!

Beril
03/30/09

Blessing

Thank you God
For the things you’ve given me,
Thank you God
For the things you’ve taken from me.
I’m grateful for all of it
Trying to enjoy and not to quit.

When I look into my past and my decisions
Those instances where I seemed to be muggings
They are the ones that make me a whole like a puzzle
I thank You once more for all of it,
Because I know that You meant it,
Provided me with the best and the amplest.

Thank you God
For giving me the “atman”
Thank you God
For taking away my power when I’m inhuman.
I’m grateful for all of it
Yet still trying to admit;
The need to carry on
Just for the Good plus the adiaphoron.

Thank you God
For being with me when I need
Thank you God
For vanishing when I’m too dependent.
I’m grateful for all of it
And now I do admit
Both the beauty and the beast
Because I know they cohabit
And that is what makes me believe:
I believe in You.

Beril
03/23/09

Not Yet

Sitting on the white steps,
Looking down to my future,
The music in the background
Interrupted by the talks and pause,
All seem so familiar.
Why then all of a sudden
Do I feel estranged?

Constant beeps and the smell of sneeze,
Disinfectant all over
Sweeping the surface like a breeze.
Feeling alone and vain,
Reaching one’s goal makes it
All the more complicated.
Can’t savor, can’t float
Just stuck in the flock.

In between two countries, two times and two guys
Everything is frozen in the spring madness.
Like the little seed trying to grow,
I face constant struggle and sadness.
Even though future is clear ahead
Can’t just get over the “yet”.

Beril
03/16/09

À-Lone

Left alone
Am I alone?
You- yourself accompanying yourself
Why do you still mourn?

Running away from sunshine and happiness
Hiding in the shades of an industrial anxiousness
You enjoy feeling this sadness
Don’t tell me you are alone
You- yourself keep company to yourself
Why are you so thrown?

Not ready to take the lead
You just escape your breed
Leaving yourself- you alone
Don’t tell me it wasn’t you
It is you- yourself looking after yourself
It is you- yourself abandoning yourself

You love the smell of your hair
May be even your reflection in air
Confident in yourself and ready to take on the world
You even know you are “some” worth
So don’t tell me you are left alone
It is you- yourself shadowing yourself
Just look into the mirror, see it yourself
See it: You are not à-lone.

Beril
03/22/09

Road trippin

Seeking comfort in words…
Don’t you know how it goes?
I am on my way,
All the time
Looking for somewhere
Won’t be found betimes
Trying to out-drive my feelings
No place is far
Just play me some guitar.

Sing along with silent nodding.
Can’t start dancing because you’re driving.
When your heart starts pounding
Step on it harder and harder up until feeling reckless,
Not knowing how it looks from outside,
There is always a lagging time.
Just presume and vanish in the music
Because no place is far,
It’s your show and you are the star.

Seeking comfort in words,
They’ve never seen you this worse.
Trying to catch them is pointless,
Don’t you know how it goes?
No place is far
And no words in the sky
They’re all in here in your eyes and cries…
What difference does it make when the mute is on?
What difference does it make even if you could go on and on and on…

Beril
03/16/09

Lost and Found

It was a moment ago
When there were no infinite possibilities
It was a moment later
When I realized infinity did exist
Two moments later
It seemed to be deceased
It was just a concept:
Limit taken of a function at it
Could never be reached

Living confined in a crate was hell
Escaping ostensibly a paradise
Lost, back to back to hell
Then I understood
It was a game of mentality
Just like the world which is round
The start was the end and the other way around
Experiences making us well-round
Lead back to back to back to hell and paradise
As if they both did coexist yet they were bifid.

A bowl of chips and a glass of coke
The smell of cigarettes
And some old stories untold
Back to back the haunting mood swings
Yet there is one who listens
Sharing the madness, making it sane
There is no reason to be arcane
As there is one who listens
Back to back to back with you
No matter, whatever you do
No matter, wherever you go
You know she’s true.

When eternity became a speculation
While the disbelief into religion has arisen
Whilst Hell and Heaven long forbidden
An evocation wakes you up, impossible to snooze
It whips you off, up high into the sky
You see the stars and don’t wonder why
“Why does everything have to be so complicated?”
Because now you know this is just another… sigh.

Beril
03/16/09

We'll See

I saw it in his eyes.
Did I?
I felt it in my chest,
In my thighs, in my breasts.
Was it just a rush of blood
Or the embracement of mental perfection?
Who knew?
I tried and tried…
Tried so hard until I felt tired and tried.
The trial was over
Or was it going to be over and over?

I saw it in his eyes.
Did I?
Everybody said I was right.
Was I?
Just wanted to close my mind,
Feel the pain and get used to gain,
Gain the trust and the must,
The must was the rule:
Those who shall survive and reproduce;
They rule.

I saw it in his eyes.
Oh I saw what I saw.
It was an open invitation never sent.
I closed the door,
The door to the journey which took too long.
Short episodes of my life were in there
In his eyes
Calling out my body to follow the lead.
Stop asking questions and your soul shall repeat,
Repeat the mistakes and finally get.
Leave it to your body the long forgotten.
Let it be and We’ll see.

Beril
03/15/09