Showing posts with label missing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label missing. Show all posts

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Grew on me

Glasses. Edinburgh. 26.02.12










Grew on me

It wasn't over night.
It took days, weeks and months.
Every day you gained a bit more of my trust.
You made me open up to you, gently.
One day I let you in,
Then you grew on me.
You became a part of me,
I became yours and yours only.
No day was routine;
Nothing compared to being in your arms
Which made me cry from happiness.
I gave up myself to you;
I fell madly in love.

Then you left
Without letting me out of your heart
Or leaving mine;
Hoping we'd grow apart.
You never created an empty space.
To day, still, you are in me.
Only pain, only pain is what I have;
I know because you taught me.
I miss you, think of you from time to time.
I imagine of getting back into you
Or letting you out of me, forever.
Who knows which will happen first.

One thing I know: Life is not a fantasy.
No day is routine;
Nothing lasts forever;
And anything can happen,
Back to back, simultaneously or even
Never ever.

Beril 02/03/14

Monday, September 16, 2013

Hello Baby

The song that inspired me to write again...
"Waiting for the miracle" by Leonard Cohen
 
 
Hello baby
I want you back but you know already.
I loved you with all my heart.
How much it's aching or how much broken
It is, won’t lessen it no more.
You are the one I love and I adore.

I long for you.
I am at the same spot
Wondering: will the miracle come?
So long we have been apart.
So much waste of our time.
I wait but are you long gone?

They say do not think but believe.
I have lost my faith along the way.
They say dream but do not get lost.
I have nightmares and I cry instead.

I see now nothing compares.
Nothing is left to do
But to hope and sometimes pray.
And I wish, oh I do a lot of wishing, too.
That’s all that I can do and all I do.
I hope you will come through.

Beril 16/09/13

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

You and Eye


photo: Islid by Damien Share

You and Eye
At night, I close my eyes and eye see you.
It lies on my chest, touches my lips and fingers.
Time after time, I dream your eyes and eye see you.
It wakes me up when we entwine and I kiss good night.
With day light, my eyes open wide and eye see you.
It lolls under my pillow, safe and sound, well preserved.
After a while, eyes closed or wide, eye only see you.
It sleeps with mine since you -your smell's been fading.
After all, never mind us: you, eye and the distance.
As long as, they're together every second: our t-shirts.

Beril 27/09/11-03/10/11

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Nomad


sculpture: Nomad by Jaume Plensa

Nomad

At home, lying in bed.

“I want to go home.”
Evdesin ya, uzanıyorsun.
“I want to go home.”
Peki. Evin nerede?
“I don’t belong anywhere.”
Hiç bir şehre, hiç bir kimseye mi?
“Cities are full of people. I’m empty.”
Ne yaptılar sana böyle?
“They pulled me. They tore me apart.”
Parçalara mı bölündün?
“Many. Many pieces spread all around.”
Tekrar bir araya getirebilir misin?
“If some weren’t lost...”
Hiç bir şey kaybolmaz, sadece yer değiştirir.
“Miss-place. Hmm. That sounds about right.”

Tell me. What would you do with a leftover heart?
Beril
24/10/10

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Ltertes & Lvoe

picture:"Love" sculpture in NY by Robert Indiana.

imss. I was confused.
issm. Buried thoughts.
isms. No song put to rest.
sism. No book was spot on.
sims. No movie played it right.
smis. And ltertes were misplaced.
smsi. So, I tried all the combinations.
ssmi. Lterte to letter and lvoe to love.
ssim. I thought I would be relieved.
mssi. Once I found the right order.
msis. I was mislaid; as I still do.
miss. The search is not over.


Beril 24/05/10

Monday, April 12, 2010

A year long journey

You were the start to my journey into myself and even into my poetry.
When we first met I was a mess you pulled me out of and you opened my eyes.
I saw a glimpse of the world of opportunities that I’ve forgotten about.
How could I miss?

I was a closed seashell ready to be cracked open.
Along came you to peal my outer coat revealing all the things I kept inside.
The true me came out and I met myself for the first time in daylight, without shame or fear, I accepted myself for who I truly was.

Counted days always end quickly.
With the coming summer I had to fly but this time I had an aim.
Things had to end but somehow it felt like a start into a new friendship, into the new world you introduced me to.
I was so excited I couldn’t wait to dive in and I did, maybe a bit too fast.
I made lots of mistakes but I also learned from the past.

When the sun started disappearing for longer each day I realized your spell on me had flown away.
Old habits die hard; I was again at the same spot trying to settle down for the same mistakes, crying for the wrong people for wrong reasons but this time there were oceans between us.
I couldn’t drive to you then back to me and I broke into pieces like a little girl’s lollipop that crashed to ground.

I am on a different boat this time but my trip schedule is the same.
To jump out and swim to the shore of an island I haven’t been before, all I need is another you by my side.
To break this closed seashell and to stop it from sinking to the bottom of the sea hell1 where seashells love living in, all I need is another you by my side.
Remind me who I have been.

Beril
12/04/10


(1)Dan Deacon&Liam Lynch "Drinking out of cups". To watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skCV2L0c6K0

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Out-comes: a night out

Another aimless night out
Ended with tears again
Crying to your absence.
Crying out loud how much
I miss you already oh I do.

Alcohol mixed within my blood
Is not the only one in it,
You are in me as well.
Any test would show
There is more to it.
That more is you, oh it’s you.

Wailing out loud, drenched in tears,
No one really cares on the streets.
They’re about their own fun.
They’re about their own life.
I am alone again with my own sadness.
The tears are just me, just my madness.

It’s never going to be the same again.
Checking out if you’re checking out
That’s hopeless, that’s unfortunate
You won’t remember me as much as I do
That’s the reality, that’s heartbreaking news.
Never will I accept the truth, it’s too true.

Love me, miss me, kiss me, hug me,
Never will happen but still imagined.
Want me, have me, once more and more
Never will eventuate, it’s now too late.
Just cry once more and be done,
That’s how it’s supposed to be,
Be done, he’s done, I got to be done,
It’s time by now, bye now, I’m gone.

Beril
11/04/10

ps) The short story behind this poem: It was written on a toxic state to be found by me this morning on my desktop, a big surprise starting the day! Turns out I don't really need to think or have a clear mind to be able to write. I'm posting it as it is: no second-thinking involved, no editing done.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Back to civilization

Back to civilization
Is being back to the old thoughts.
Haunted by millions
Waiting to be resolved,
Sleepless nights are the worst.

Miss the farm.
Miss the livestock.
Miss the days
When the only worry was today.

Back in charge again,
Piled up responsibilities
Are heavy, trying to carry
Is more exhausting than
A day in the country.

Miss the cold.
Miss the sweat.
Miss the days
That you could count till they end.

Back to reality of the chaos,
Not knowing where to start,
How to organize the mess
You live in or you are.
It's the erstwhile routine, the same bygone days.

Miss the agony.
Miss the famishment.
Miss the days
When you could miss the old days.


Beril
6/4/10

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Let go of my dreams

The only thing that belongs to me
And also that is known only by me
Is my dreams; they are me.

It doesn't matter how much I want
It doesn't matter how painful it gets
No, no, no, never ever, never again.

The only thing that I cannot control
And that takes over me and beyond
Is my dreams; they are my core.

It doesn't matter how I screwed it all up
It doesn't matter whatever all was
No, no, no, never ever, never again.

Please! Hear me, hear me out, please!
Oh never ever, no never again
Can I have you, no never again.

Please! Hear me, hear me out, please!
Oh I miss you but oh I need you
To let go of my dreams, oh, please!

No, no, no, never ever, never again
Can I have you, no never again
Oh please, let go of my dreams.

Beril
24/03/10

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Chemistry of Love

Thou thought heretofore
Thou could be a man.
Forsooth, thou were wrong.
O’ it’s time to thole again.

Meseems, it’s the chemistry
Betwixt thee and man.
Meseems, it’s the chemistry
That creates thy illusion of love.

Oxytocin bonds thee to whosoever.
Anon everlasting swevens return in turn.
Mirthless moments waiting for thee,
O’ poor thou, it's lack-a-day again.

A rhetoric asked by Mayer
Who do thou love?
Thou could now reply aright:
It’s the thought of man.

Beril
7/3/10

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Re: lated Birthday

It's his birthday.
I didn't call him yet.
I've been busy all day.
Oh, I'm working hard.
The least, he'd be proud
If he knew that.

It's his birthday
And I have his number
If it's still the same
After almost 9 months
I was 'bout to call him
But then my battery died.

It's his birthday
And I charged my phone
To realize it's closed down.
It's not my fault,
It's the unpaid bill's,
Thank God.

It's his birthday
And I'm looking for an excuse.
I know I won't call him
As I don't have the guts
To admit I miss him
At least not out loud.

It's his birthday.
So I wrote a poem.
I'm not happy 'bout it either
But it's your birthday
Let's hope it's a happy one,
Dad.

Beril
03/03/10

Monday, February 22, 2010

Old times' sake

I cried today to my relationship
That ended some time ago;
I believe about a year.
I read old emails full of promises
That were kept only
As long as it lasted.

I cried today to my loneliness
That has been with me;
I believe much more than a year.
During my journey into the past
I realized how much I’ve changed
I don’t know if it’s for the better.

I cried today to my fearfulness
That marks my past, restrains the future.
My fear blinded me and I couldn’t foresee
My heart has closed itself long, long ago;
It was the desires mixing up my love.

I cried today to the old thoughts
You might think I’ve forgotten you
I might have moved on but your thought
Stayed in the back of my mind.
It resurfaces once in a while
Whenever I try new ones to think on.

I cried today,
I whispered to God all day
He replied in my head
He had an answer to everything
Oh, he annoyed me, but I prayed,
Then he stopped responding me
So, I went to the inbox
I read all your old replies
And I cried.
I cried to a future
That was never nearby.

Beril
22/02/10

Thursday, February 18, 2010

To Dad

Where are you daddy?
I can’t seem to find you
My life turned upside down
Since I was left,
By you.

It’s so cold outside
I’m alone in the house
Your forgotten promise
That you’ll always be there
For me to lean on to
Echoes from the frosty walls
I listen to it and hear
Only my own damn voice.

Where are you daddy?
I’ve been looking for you
In every guy that I met
I expect your affection
That just can’t be met
But I refuse to give up
It just breaks my heart
Each time I face the fact.

I wouldn’t even know
If you were dead or alive
All my madness and pride
Is to fool you, what a huge lie
I’ve already forgiven you
Come back into my life
I’m over here, waiting for you.

Where are you daddy?
What are you afraid of?
Is it beryllium or lithium,
Or should I be mad at iron?
Your daughter is so out there,
By so many she got wrecked
And daddy, she needs you
Only you can protect.

Beril
18/02/10

Gone?

Broken and unrequited
Here I stand
Lost in the shadows of
Remote beams of sun
It’s raining in me
I’m soaked inside out
If the sun shines again,
The rainbow pops up
And I could now make a wish
I’d wish I was gone.
If life still goes on
Even after I’m gone
Life should go on
Now that you are
You gone?

Beril
18/02/10

I was going to take some time off but I learned that I cannot stop what's coming at/to me. I learned that I cannot take time off from myself and that I have to learn to live with myself. And I learned I have to let it all out if I want to think less and act more. This blog is the only place where I have the right to do and say anything and I'm not going to jeopardize the only chance that I have to just be myself.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The 14th

It’s 14:14 on the 14th
One month left
to mandatory celebration,
and also three.

To cry secretly,
take your tears with you,
hide behind your fears
and ask:
Is it worth it?

To fool yourself,
take your words with you,
hide behind your work
and ask:
Well, did it work?

It’s 14:44 on the 14th
One month left
to necessary confrontation
and also three.

To laugh sincerely,
let your giggles out,
reveal your fervent desires
and reply:
I trust you.

To face yourself,
let your grief out,
reveal your devoted heart,
and reply:
I miss you.

Time is over.
It’s 15:15.
one month less
or three months more
does it matter?
No.

Beril
14/01/10

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Good-love'd

Good-bye my love
once again
I leave you behind
to come back
and find nothing
has changed
not from,
my love.

Good-bye my love
that I haven’t shared,
not with love and self
not with anyone
not its presence,
ignored,
my love.

Good-bye my love,
my hope
that is you’ll hear
my silent cries
that haven’t reached my heart
will reach yours
somehow,
my love.

Good-bye my love
Good-bye.
I tried hard
to make it look good
but I feel so bad inside,
I’m trying to stop
calling you
love.

Good-bye
love
I trusted the words
of my ancestors
that love will be
out of sight
out of mind,
Good-love’d...

Beril
10/01/10

Monday, December 28, 2009

Yet another day

She was walking down the street
That she’d walked a thousand times,
It was just another day on the common grounds.
She looked up to see the way ahead of her.
Her eyes hit something new to this setting
But it was so familiar to her.
She was staring into his eyes.
He smiled with that smile of his
That had melted her heart the first round.
He was walking right towards her .
It was too late to turn her eyes away.
Not this time, no time for running away.
Then he greeted her sincerely,
She greeted back rather cold.
He said they needed to talk.
She agreed but still wondered;
Hasn’t she been clear about it all?
Was there anything left to exhume?

He talked, for hours and hours,
Explained his reasons, his feelings, his solutions.
He wouldn’t accept no for an answer.
She had to gave into him.
She had to because he knew how she felt
And that was the reason why he came.
She lowered her head, there was nothing left
But to accept her faith,
That she dreamt about every so often,
Now it was the time to eventuate
And then she said yes.

They met again later that day.
The sun was now gone
Yet she felt light in-her-side.
He held her hand,
Pulled her body to himself
Their lips finally met.
It was like a rainy day on heaven
So wet, so warm, so blissful.
She gave into him once again
And he finally dropped his guard,
He gave into her, over and again
Until they couldn’t keep their eyes open
As if they were carrying the heaviness of the eternal,
Their bodies met one more time in a spoon
When he finally called her name,
And she turned around,
Looking into her eyes, he said:
“I think I love you”
And he kissed her one last time.

A tear dropped to her face.
A single drop multiplied into ample.
The clouds got dark,
It started to rain outside
The black in the background came out,
The scene got fuzzy, the lights were out.
She felt misplaced, as if she had blacked out.

Almost as long as eternity, an unknown time later
She woke up, surprised, looked around.
She was alone, just her
And her reflection across the room.
There was no sign of him,
No piece of cloth, no scent, no sense
It made, no, not at all.
She rushed to the bathroom
Just to see there was no drop in the tub,
Nothing strange in trash, no single hair on ground.
She ran to the living room.
All was in place, just a dog sleeping on the couch.

She walked back to the room she woke up
When she realized this wasn’t the place.
No, she wasn’t here a moment ago,
No, it wasn’t the bed she made love in
She was in another city far, far away.
She looked around, couldn’t remember
When did she come back home?
A split second later, it hit her,
A sharp sting sank into her heart.

It was just another night of hers
That she had spent at his fictional house.
She went back to the bathroom
Brushed her teeth.
It was another day of hers
That she had woken into
Without love but just her
And the dog sleeping on the couch.

Beril
28/12/09

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Flat Haunting

Sitting in a leather couch in Camden
Watching mommy read a magazine
Awkward music, hippy customers
I don’t believe in fortunetellers.

She said it’ll come
Where is my present?
She said you’ll find
Where is my agreement?

Can’t believe I lose many moments
By waiting around; I’m fooling around!
Can’t bear it, I want to live fast-forward
Or else, I just won’t be content!

Oh my, oh my, I’m so stressed,
Oh my, I hope I won’t drop dead!

Non-barking medium cutie causes me pain
It’s been worse than being an alien
I make an offer, I pay more
But it won’t be accepted of course
Wanting the best I search for more
Getting the least, I look at three phones
Having French, British and Turkish tones
For sure, again no ringing, no news.

I used to ignore my emotions daily
It was so easy mainly when I was busy
But hanging around made me listen to the silence
The thought reappeared; it’s hard for it to vanish.

Oh my, oh my, I’m so stressed,
Oh my, I hope I won’t drop dead!

It started as a random encounter in the dark
Then it spread, started patting my flesh
Like an abyss, getting deep and intense
It touched my core, filled me with ardor,
Now hard to cut it out as it became profound.

I liked it, oh, I liked it
But I can’t tell, I’m so shy
I miss it, oh, I miss it
But I can’t tell, I’m so fragile.

No answer, no rumor, no clue
It left me alone, out of the blue
It takes time to get it over with
Like a sentence, like a poem, like a life
It takes time to put it all together.

Oh my, oh my, I’m so stressed,
Oh my, I hope I won’t drop dead!

Beril
09/17-20/09

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thought of him

I thought of him today
Just like yesterday and tomorrow
What an endless, gruesome crusade
That I have in me,
What a sorrow.

Is it only me who wonders
Why I can’t stop the chain of thoughts?
Is it only me who questions
Why I'm bored when I dream forever?
Is it only me who inquires
Why I refuse his significance?

“Pretend, you little girl”, I said,
“You know that might be helpful”.
It’s been uttered by antecedent
Recipe to overcome sadness.

Thought of him couldn’t get any better
So sweet nevertheless very bitter
Like a polish wearing off daily
My soul fading away bit by bit,
I am in my little chamber
Oh, a constant wait to fly away!
But I’m caught, I linger
Oh, time won’t take me away!

It’s hard, it’s devastating, it’s cruel
Leaving behind is always painful
I deny and I’ll deny till the last word
Nothing I experience or feel
Will be lasting or special
It’s a dear thing I have tasted
Nothing more? No, nothing more.

I’ll deny till the last moment,
I'll throw out any opponent,
I’ll avoid my heart’s rebellion:
Nothing more? No, nothing more.

Beril
09/10/09