Struggle

picture: The struggle within by GregCollinsArt

Struggle

She struggled. She wanted to linger it as long as she could.

She was a dreamer. She was a believer. She was an optimist. She was a lover.

She also was a rationalist. She was a sceptic. She was a worrier. She was a thinker.

She never was one thing, never black and white. She always liked grey. She walked on thin lines, never crossing one for another. She always challenged herself, had constant battles within her.

If she followed her heart, her mind wouldn't let go. She was tortured.

If she followed her mind, her heart wouldn't let go. She was torn apart.

She struggled. She always found herself in the same spot, trying not to make the same decisions, having to make the same decisions. This time it's different, her heart would say. It never is, her mind would say.  Her mind knew her heart very well. Her heart knew her mind very well. A constant struggle.

Her mind would always choose the impossible, prepare her to be ready when things don't work out. "That guy over there, that guy is cute. But no worries, because he is not available or if he is, he lives 5000 miles away. You'll never see him again so it'll be ok to move on. You are safe." Her mind was considerate. It never was her fault. It was the circumstances.

Her heart would always try to find the loop holes. "That cute guy over there could be for real. If it's meant to be, it will be. Dive in. Today's your day and future is in your hands." Her heart was ready to cheat her mind. Circumstances didn't matter when it was meant to be.

 
Most days she would stay away. Her mind would celebrate a win but her heart would never give in, with full of hope it would say: "That's because it wasn't meant to be!" Very occasionally, she would dive in. This time her mind would stop her from getting too close. "I have to keep you sane," the mind would say, "or you'll frazzle yourself." Her heart would speak up: "Treasures are found in wrecks."
 
"Remember that last wreck? It took you a year and a half to rebuild yourself. Are you ready for a new ride?" the mind said at last. No she wasn't. Or was she? The heart said: "Isn't it about time? Isn’t it different this time?” The mind responded: "Of course it's different each time! Only the ending is the same - a wreck."

How would you know the ending without beginning? She struggled to answer.

Beril 15/03/15